This Thanksgiving break, my family attended two wedding ceremonies, a first marriage and a 25th anniversary re-commitment. Both celebrations began with Mass in a church and were accompanied by grand receptions with family and friends. It seems that I've been attending more weddings this year than any I can recall in the past. It has got me thinking about commitment and what it means...

This past January I was privileged to spend some time in India and visit with one of my father's college best friends. We shared a beer in his flat and discussed relationships (as he asked me why I was not married). For starters, I told him that I was raised with an old fashioned upbringing that was incompatible with today's social programming. He laughed and understood that I was referring to "old school" marriage.

A long time ago (in many cultures) property was passed down to the first born son or sons if there was enough land & assets to divide. Daughters were expected to "marry" into their husband's family and become a separate family onto their own. This was not due to misogyny or patriarchy, but simply to preserve what little land & assets a poor person was able to secure in their lifetime. The social hierarchy of the king, his nobles, their vassals, middle and poor classes comprised the kingdom. The distribution of wealth flowed in a cycle from the king on top collecting taxes or 'rent' from his subjects in a similar fashion all the way down to the poor who had to work hard at labor intensive jobs to feed their families.

Many poor families in India marry for survival. The husband typically hustles while his wife tends to the home, children, and cooking details. The children are soon put to work as apprentices or extra pairs of hands to help the family make 'ends meet'. The more affluent classes could afford servants and thus presented a lifestyle with more luxuries. The largest populated classes even in today's culture are comprised of the poor and middle classes each vying to move up in position in order to live more comfortably.

Most marriages were politically driven either in arranged or semi-arranged family alliances. The city of Bombay (Mumbai) was a wedding gift from the Portuguese to the British as a strategic marriage was formed between Catherine Braganza and Charles II. Even within the poor and middle classes, a dowry was given from the bride's family to the groom as a form of compensation of inheritance since the bride typically did not receive family assets whereas her brother(s) did. Families would marry their children to other families with similar status of wealth or power to preserve or grow their collective assets. The idea of a 'love marriage' fell second to family security. In this culture, daughters used their youth (fertility) and beauty as a commodity in exchange for securing or raising their family's status. Son's were expected to govern their inheritance and increase their holdings so as to raise their own status and thus attract the most lucrative romantic prospects.

Today it is not so different. People are always looking for the best companion that they can acquire. Men don't seem to put as much emphasis on a woman's social status as much as they regard her youth and beauty. This is why women typically hide their aging with expensive treatments and make-up (not to mention fashionable clothing, high heels, fake eye lashes, padded bras, and girdles). Most clothing stores and markets are primarily geared towards female consumers. Women seem to want both status and attractiveness in a partner. They typically don't marry men below them in education, wealth, or power. It is interesting to note that while women do care about the attractiveness of their mate, it is not as high a priority for most women if their man has other more desirable qualities such as wealth, status, and power.

We no longer live in an era of feudalism with serfs, knights, and lords; however, we are living in a time like no other era before. In the past century, the USA has eliminated mandatory military draft which once served as a criteria to gain voting rights. Now both sons and daughters may vote, own land, serve in the military, and hold 'equal rights' in education and the work force. In the most ubiquitous effort to balance power between the sexes we have created an imbalance. Men have become effeminate, and women have become like men. The economy of the new sexual market place will ultimately reveal the results.

Competition between the sexes has resulted in high divorce rates and unhappiness. Masculinity used to be defined by a Man's ability to protect, provide, and father healthy children. Society has changed so that Men have become unnecessary in these respects and in some cases vilified (see divorce industrial complex & neo-feminism). There are more women getting an education than there are men. I support furthering one's education, but what that translates to here is that there are more men joining the work force instead of pursuing a higher level education which means that women are passing up these men in favor of equally or higher educated men. There is higher demand for fewer supply.

With modern day contraception (condoms, birth control pills, and the option of abortion) we have changed the playing field especially for women to the detriment of both sexes. Men and women bond differently. For men, shared experiences and the emotions attached to these memories bond more so than the chemical bonding that occurs with women through sex. In the old days, wives had few if any partners before marriage. Due to the possibility of pregnancy, the consequences of extra-marital affairs were enough to deter irresponsible behavior as women faced poverty and low social status. Currently, women enter marriage with higher partner counts (5-10+) which dilutes her ability to pair bond and respect her husband as he has to contend with the chemical & emotional connections she has shared with former lovers. Men carelessly enter into sexual congress with easy women and therefore never find the respect for a woman who holds her body in high self regard. She is considered a prude and is passed over as there are plenty of other women willing to concede. Women who engage in sexuality when they are younger find that withholding sex before a real relationship can materialize are held in contempt by the men they truly want as the reckless 'badboys' of her youth were quickly rewarded with something that these men now have to work hard to earn.

It's a vicious cycle and both Men and Women have to learn to navigate the new marriage contract. The price of commitment has changed. In some ways it has been watered down, and yet a small percentage manage to hold steadily onto their marital vows even decades later offering the hope of sustained commitment. I believe the common denominator for this is faith (read: failthfulness). Both of the wedding ceremonies that I observed began with spirituality before the festivities. The marriage equation seems to work best with surrendering one's ego to a higher power (God) as the head of the union. The next major component is genuine self-sacrifice from both parties. This means putting the needs and desires of one's partner before their own. Marriage is not for everyone and a tremendous amount of maturity, self knowledge, and awareness is needed before embarking on such an enduring commitment.

St Paul wrote that it is best not to get married, but if one cannot contain their 'passions' then to enter marriage with God as the head and submission in each partner's hearts...

"Our Character is what we do when we think no one is looking."

― Various

"So our kids keep getting smarter. If we have another one it could build a time machine which we could use to go back in time and not have any kids."

― Homer Simpson

I was on my way back from lunch after attending mass on Sunday when my radiator exploded. I was craving Chinese food and drove a little out of the way to get my "fix". Somehow on the way back to my apartment, I began to smell something burning and noticed smoke billowing out from under my hood. I thought this can't be good especially since I'm acutely aware of the health of my truck and take excellent care of its maintenance. I decided to drive slowly rather than pull over on the highway and managed to park safely in my garage. I opened the hood to see that the original radiator had finally cracked and was spewing the caustic smelling smoke. I guess the internal pressure was too much for the brittle old plastic housing. After allowing then engine to cool, I set out to find the best solution.

Thanksgiving is this Thursday and I had volunteered to drive a family friend back home to Dallas to be with our families. I needed my vehicle to be in reliable condition for the 400 mile round trip. I checked a few sites on the internet that asserted the simplicity of changing out one's own radiator. Next, I gathered a list of the replacement parts, their costs, and began planning the logistics of the job. Fortunately, I have alternative transportation with my motorcycle; however, some of the required parts were too large and heavy to carry. The Universe smiled upon me and sent a friend to help secure the needed supplies.

In my research I found that one can save up to 30% by purchasing the parts online; however, due to the urgency of my situation I decided to buy from a local parts store in favor of getting things done. I also investigated the costs a mechanic's shop would charge and found prices ranging from $450 - $800. After securing the replacement components (roughly $200), I awoke the next morning focused on my mission. Like a surgeon performing an operation, I set to work by removing the plates, shrouds, and grill to gain access to the damaged components. I drained the old coolant into a bucket to prevent a mess from pouring on the ground. Curious neighbors watched as they walked to their vehicles. After removing a few bolts, clamps, and hoses the old cracked radiator was removed and replaced with a brand new one with a 'life time' warranty. A new thermostat was installed and everything was ready to be put back together. After flushing the old coolant out, some fresh coolant was added and the engine drank with such thirst as to say "Thank you". New perspective was gained, and faith in myself grew stronger. Whether it's repairing a dishwasher, dryer, vehicle, or simply working on yourself, I believe the key to success is having the right mindset.

Self-confidence is trust or faith in oneself. This comes from successful experiences. A person with self confidence is able to rise to meet new challenges, take control of difficult situations, and accept responsibility if things don't work out. In the absence of confidence, courage is needed to summon the strength to venture into the unknown. Together these two components affect one's self esteem, or the individuals overall confidence in their worth and their abilities. It is the cognitive and emotional appraisal of our worth. It grows when we live up to our own ideals and follow our own path.

"In the absence of confidence, courage takes over. Confidence operates in the realm of the known; courage, on the other hand, operates in the realm of the unknown, the uncertain, and the fearsome: you cannot be a confident swimmer unless you once had the courage to lose your footing in deep water. Courage is more noble than confidence, because it requires more strength, and because a courageous person is one with limitless capabilities and possibilities."

― Neel Burton M.D.

“He who has faith has… an inward reservoir of courage, hope, confidence, calmness, and assuring trust that all will come out well – even though to the world it may appear to come out most badly.”
— B. C. Forbes

"Philosophy cannot be taught.  Philosophy is the union of all acquired knowledge and the genius that applies it:  philosophy is the shining cloud upon which Christ set His foot to go up to heaven."

― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

At some point in a man's life, he must adopt a code of conduct: a set of behaviors that he alone finds acceptable in response to situations.  This 'code' is inherent in all cultures and found throughout the world.  The samurai in ancient Japan had their "bushido", or way of life.  This would serve to instruct and guide them.  As men, we are held accountable by society, family, women, and other men to behave as we were conditioned.  Every generation has their own influences such as the abundance of technology and social communication that is so prevalent today.  I know that I was raised in a 'bubble' of protection to perceive the world quite differently than when I was old enough to venture off alone and record my own observations.  Philosophers, or people who thought about thoughts (typically men), became the bearers of "light" to the masses.  These thoughts and ideas were the product of logic and reason without the corrupt lens of emotion clouding our judgement.

Why it's important to study philosophy is because there is simply "nothing new under the sun", and nearly every situation or suffering has been shared by a fellow individual whose thoughts, concerns, or strategy has been recorded so that posterity may learn.  In addition to explanation, philosophy offers the language of logic which is capable of surviving generations in tact.  In other words, it maintains it's integrity over time.

As I grew older, I learned to absorb the philosophies of many different 'masters' before forming my own code.  In any pursuit in life, whether it be for pleasure, profession, or sport there has always been someone from whom you can learn.  They have already done the work necessary to attain a level of mastery that anyone can learn from until they themselves become masters.  It reminds me of Bruce Lee's quote: "absorb what is useful, discard what is useless, add what is uniquely your own".

One genre of philosophy that has been on my mind lately is that of the Stoics.  Stoicism, which formed roughly in the 3rd century BC, deals with concepts such as determinism and conscious choice.  In other words, Destiny and Free Will.  It teaches one to focus on applying reason to understand the relationship between external stimulus and internal peace.

It reminds me of the serenity prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Today the modern definition of stoic has changed to: a person who can endure pain or hardship without showing their feelings or complaining.  This is derived from the ancient stoic's ability to detach emotions from a situation and see it from a viewpoint of reason and understanding.  Easier said than done... The famous Caesar (as portrayed in the movie Gladiator), Marcus Aurelius, was a stoic philosopher who would meditate:

“Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness – all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil. But for my part I have long perceived the nature of good and its nobility, the nature of evil and its meanness, and also the nature of the culprit himself, who is my brother (not in the physical sense, but as a fellow creature similarly endowed with reason and a share of the divine); therefore none of those things can injure me, for nobody can implicate me in what is degrading. Neither can I be angry with my brother or fall foul of him; for he and I were born to work together, like a man’s two hands, feet or eyelids, or the upper and lower rows of his teeth. To obstruct each other is against Nature’s law – and what is irritation or aversion but a form of obstruction.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

In applying this reasoning, he was able to serve Rome without the corruption of ego and emotion from clouding his judgement. This is the defining moment for a few men when they learn to separate their feelings from their decisions. Stoicism taught that humans were given the gift of 'choice' and were not subject to the blind irrationality of instinct and emotion which separates us from the other animals. Stoicism teaches the development of self-control and fortitude as a means of overcoming destructive emotions; the philosophy holds that becoming a clear and unbiased thinker allows one to understand the universal reason. A primary aspect of Stoicism involves improving the individual's ethical and moral well-being: "Virtue consists in a will that is in agreement with Nature." This principle also applies to the realm of interpersonal relationships; "to be free from anger, envy, and jealousy," and to accept even slaves as "equals of other men, because all men alike are products of nature."

One of the most studied Stoics is Epictetus, who was born a slave, became free, and through struggle became a philosopher. He maintained that all external events are beyond our control; we should accept whatever happens calmly and dispassionately. However, individuals are responsible for their own actions, which they can examine and control through rigorous self-discipline. Most of what we know of him came from his student's recordings. He held pantheistic beliefs that God was the Universe and was present in Nature and in All things. The essence of God is goodness, and humans were given the divine gift of reason to separate between good and evil. To Epictetus, good alone is profitable and to be desired, whilst evil is hurtful and to be avoided. He taught independence from external sources of happiness. Ultimately contentment comes from within.

American fighter pilot, James Stockdale, was shot down in Vietnam and held prisoner for several years. He was able to survive torture, isolation, and regain sanity by remembering Epictetus' philosophy. In his memoirs, Stockdale quoted Epictetus as saying, "The emotions of grief, pity, and even affection are well-known disturbers of the soul. Grief is the most offensive; Epictetus considered the suffering of grief an act of evil. It is a willful act, going against the will of God to have all men share happiness"

Furthermore, Epictetus' teachings have influenced countless Stoics from Caesars to prisoners as well as cognitive behavior therapy as developed by Albert Ellis. It empowers the individual to unleash the abilities of their minds to overcome the emotional obstacles preventing happiness.

Lastly, the nature of stoicism is rooted in spirituality as in gratitude to God for the gifts of reason and logic. Both Stoicism and Christianity assert an inner freedom in the face of the external world, a belief in human kinship with Nature or God, a sense of the innate depravity—or "persistent evil"—of humankind, and the futility and temporariness of worldly possessions and attachments. Both encourage with respect to the passions and inferior emotions such as lust, and envy, so that the higher possibilities of one's humanity can be awakened and developed.

Some amazing pearls of this philosophers wisdom:

"Men, the lecture room of the philosopher is a hospital; students ought not to walk out of it in pleasure, but in pain."

“Nature hath given men one tongue but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak.”

“Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants.”

“Seek not the good in external things; seek it in yourselves.”

“Don't explain your philosophy. Embody it.”

― Epictetus

"I cried because I had no shoes, until I saw a man with no feet"

Today I got to break in my new "Cleto Reyes" sparring gloves in an actual 'round robin' sparring session.  New gloves were needed because I had smashed the snot out of my old "Ringside" leather gloves.  I was sad to see my classic ring gloves go, but it was getting unsafe to hit others with a cloud of pulverized padding exploding from inside each time I connected a punch with my opponent.  The new gloves smelled like babied leather and held up really well like they were custom made just for me.


After boxing, I decided to treat myself to a cheeseburger and curly fries from 'Dan's Hamburgers'.  It's a local fast food chain here in Austin that I believe is a step above Whataburger (a semi national Texas born fast food restaurant).   Being a smaller chain, Dan's Burgers are located in older neighborhoods in ancient buildings.  I stumbled into discovering Dan's after a friend helped me move from Dallas to Austin after which we searched for a good place to have lunch.  It was just a few miles down the road from my apartment.

I remember rewarding myself (every now and then) with a trip to Whataburger in the past, but started favoring Dan's somewhere along the way (I doubt Whataburger is jealous).  It became one of the reasons that I love living in Austin.  Whenever I had been away for a long time or knew that I would be soon going, I would often stop by the restaurants nearby that I'd come to love.  (Wingzup is another local favorite).

Today while having lunch, a poor elderly black man without hands had walked in wearing the shiniest red tuxedo shoes.  It was hard to tell if he was impoverished or simply possessed a unique sense of fashion.  He sat down at the booth across from me.  I saw how he used both of his arms to manipulate the straw into his cup and use the ends of his wrists and undeveloped nubs to squeeze the ketchup.  He deftly ate his food with ease.  He was older and possessed a deep sense of dignity as he carried himself with pride.  I finished my fries and set out without staring too much to head home, shower, reflect, and write...

"I wept because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet"

This phrase which has been credited to many wise authors through time was burning in my mind.  I laid in bed to recover from my aching neck and to reflect on this thought.  In boxing, hands are like feet, and gloves are like shoes.  I proudly sported my new gloves uttering the phrase "ain't nothing like new shoes" as fellow boxers and coaches welcomed the metaphor.

I think when I find myself getting down from the worries of the world, I have to remember to take stock of how blessed my life truly is.  I am so fortunate to love and be loved by so many.  I get to live a dream life!  Gratitude replaces the negative feelings and frees me from my state of mind.  The Lord works in mysterious ways and the people he sends my way are reminders of His presence and Love for Us ALL.