I had the misfortune to have dated one in college. Unfortunately, many women in today's culture are becoming narcissistic. My toxic ex outwardly gave the impression of a beautiful demure woman, but on the inside she was cold, calculating, and self-centered. There was no soul to experience empathy. She wore a mask of a "gracious" beauty but this only allowed her to deceive and manipulate. She was entitled and extremely sensitive to criticism or perceived slights. It was always my give to her take. She was drawn to power, status, and material wealth, which should have been red flags to me, but I was young and inexperienced. She was surrounded by dark energy such that when her supposed friend and roommate developed mental distress and even tried to commit suicide, my narcissistic ex assumed because of jealousy towards her. She wasn't overt about her vanity (unlike the grandiose narcissist); however she did wear a well manicured mask of which she spent a great deal of time cultivating how she appeared.
She cheated on me at least once with her ex (which I learned is a common practice with narcissists holding on to supply). They belonged to a zoroastrian community where marrying outside the race is frowned upon (this type of culture promotes narcissistic collectives see ethnocentricism). She valued her friends who were all somehow related and well-off, except for her. After finding out about her infidelity I childishly leaked the secret to her best friend (who even called her a narcissist) which caused her false appearance of goodness and purity to collapse and set off a chain reaction of pain and sorrow (don't wrestle with pigs!).
After the discard, a term which I came to realize is a common theme among these predators, I questioned if I ever really knew her in the 4+ years of our relationship. I couldn't believe a person could do this to someone. I experienced the stages of grief and accepted that I would never receive closure from this person. I had felt sorry for her in the beginning, since she was this "innocent beauty" far from home that I could share my light and goodness with and even build a home someday; however, it was just an illusion... After the mask came off, I was left wondering why I had given so much of myself to this person who simply used me to get ahead and then simply to be discarded as if I did not matter in the first place. About a year later, she found and married a doctor from her own race.
These animals use people like instruments to accomplish their own personal agenda.
After this experience I took in a roommate which seemingly shared many of my same values. We got along for years; however, I noticed that he always needed help. I am much more experienced now with mental health disorders such as co-dependency and narcissistic personality disorders, but at the time I was pretty unaware. I enabled my buddy, even going so far as to call him a "brother" by giving him breaks on rent and even getting him a job. I felt sorry for him too. Opportunities seemed to come easily for me and rather than monopolize my blessings I decided to share the wealth. I was fortunate to have loving parents, and also wanted to share my family with these wounded animals.
Years went by and our friendship was likened to a dysfunctional marriage when I decided that I wanted to change careers and become a professional landlord. I asked my friend to help me manage one of my houses in exchange for a rent discount while I moved next door to start my growing community. This change was the beginning of the end. It signaled to him that I would not always be there in his life to help him survive. He was unable to manage his house and this began the process which eventually ended in my being discarded (even though I got him a job and is now currently working for my family).
These individuals tend to suffer from childhood traumas which manifest a fear of abandonment, so in order to have some measure of control, they 'discard' their hosts before they themselves suffer rejection. They tend to live parasitic lifestyles which simply means they attach to strong people who provide supply or means of supporting themselves emotionally, financially, socially, and egotistically. The covert narcissist males that I've met tend to be unremarkable materialists, that outwardly project a sense of meekness and vulnerability. Like a helpless dog, whose only redeeming quality is their fake love and loyalty. I've noticed that they have difficulty saying the words, "I love you" and usually have issues with God (they are too busy worshiping themselves). They can only love as long as they receive their supply. When this is threatened, or their mask is uncovered, the narcissist will often discard their host and move on to another (Unfortunately this reminds me of modern marriage: find sucker, get married, stop working, cheat, divorce, collect benefits).
Most recently, I experienced being discarded by a former resident of my community; however, this time things were much more different. He too came to me like a wounded animal, in fact I saw the look in his childlike eyes. I felt sorry for him like he could use a good home. This time, I had developed a system of rules and consequences to protect myself in case of abuse. I was a little wiser and more mature so that I didn't take things personally despite being personable. We shared much over the years and once again I grew to call him brother. He was awkward and quirky to me which I dismissed as endearing qualities. Later on he shared that he suffered from an empathy disorder which explained his "dead-eyed" stare (try having empathy for someone who cannot return it back). He would often give me responses that he understood something but looked completely as if he missed the point.
Throughout our friendship I was impressed by his ability to carry out instructions and hold others accountable as if the rules were Law written in black and white. He ingratiated himself to me and in return I looked out for him. I discounted his rent in exchange for looking after the house. I found ways to show my appreciation through small gifts, food, sharing my home in Austin, and providing a number of novel experiences. I wanted to share good experiences with these residents that my own older brother shared with me. I wanted to atone and repent for the bad experiences I doled out unto my own younger brother (who himself became a narcissist). This resident would tell me he often experienced shame, something I did not understand but decided not to push. I felt he was a person worthy of Love but since he could not give love he felt this shame. His concept of love was more pathological and was determined by how much supply a person was willing to give to him. Supply can be material such as money and gifts, or through attention and compliments. He was cheap and often sponged off his friends. Every once in awhile he would splurge on food. He rarely made financial contributions to friends unless there was something in it for himself. He possessed a gluttonous appetite and could eat food like he was a bottomless pit. He was shaped like a pear despite his fluctuations in weight his saggy boobed "dad-bod" was evidence of his gluttony. He was possessed by greed in things of body and mind, in other words, he was never satisfied. He enjoyed associations with prestige and power, yet did not work to support himself (in fact he survived on government unemployment income). This is probably where his sense of shame came from. He enjoyed the largest room in the house (while paying the least in rent), his position of authority over others in the community, and the mask of being competent despite never truly having accomplished anything. His parents bought his cars, bailed him out when he was in trouble; He never learned to fend for himself.
He had been posing as a helper (of whom I offered compensation) whist I completed construction on my house, but I noticed that he grew disillusioned when things did not meet his lofty expectations. He was initially attracted to the prospect of helping me renovate the new home because I promised him it would my best remodel. It was for the record; however, due to budgetary constraints it did not measure up to his expectations. The cost and labor involved with items such as wooden stairs would have bankrupt me, so I decided to install carpet. He initially offered to pay for some of the cost to install wood stairs (since the other houses had them), but later changed his mind. He continued to grow impatient, entitled, and demanding like a petulant child, something I attributed to the pandemic's affect on mental distress.
As the project drew to a close I was exhausted and found that I was eating into my savings to finish. I told him his help was greatly appreciated and would have to be on a voluntary basis moving forward. In the beginning I paid an hourly rate; however, as funds began to dry up I would offer what little I could afford choosing instead to do the majority of the work myself. I found myself drained of energy living and working together each day, choosing to retreat to my bedroom for peace and quiet.
After an attempt to bilk me for supply, I defended myself. We reached an agreement, but once again when I looked into his eyes I failed to see authenticity. I calmly processed my feelings and thought about our conversations of living together in close quarters over the past few months. He tested me many times. He sometimes would hide and jump out of no-where to see if I would frighten (I thought it was in good fun). He asked if his "friend" a transitioning transsexual could live with us to which I showed compassion and acceptance toward (but ultimately turned out to be another test). One weekend when I was out of town, a couple residents reported that their cars had been rummaged through, including his own to which he said, "it was like they had the key". He would often quote from Robert Green's book, "the 48 laws of power" an updated manifesto for Machiavelli's The Prince (The general theme of The Prince is of accepting that the aims of princes – such as glory and survival – can justify the use of immoral means to achieve those ends.)
He even mentioned the term "covert narcissist" while falsely accusing a mutual acquaintance (no doubt to see if I recognized the term). He mentioned that his father, with whom he often fought, was a narcissist. I decided to establish some boundaries going forward and wrote him a letter hoping to establish some kind of working relationship with mutual respect; however, when I next visited him in person there was a darkness that I'd never seen before. It was like watching a horror movie alone in a creepy room. He was rude and indignant, someone who I did not know. It was like he was possessed. I simply left the room, we did not talk much after that. He put in his notice to vacate and within 30 days he was gone (he actually stayed an extra few days no doubt to avoid confrontation with me since I drove up to say good-bye but saw that he was not even packed). He left an uncleaned room, damaged some walls, and stole some small things. No respect was given.
I attempted to reach out but no response was given either.
Who was this person? What was this entity that I invited into my homes over these many years??
This was another discard. The tell tale sign being the use of "the silent treatment". What kind of mentally healthy person suddenly stops communication as if to punish the other for some perceived discretion? Most healthy adults are open to some form of healthy dialogue in order to reach some kind of resolve; however, this is not the case with cluster B personality disordered persons such as narcisists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. They often employ this tactic to emotionaly punish/abuse victims who may have dared to stand up for themselves.
Why does this phenomena occur? Why am I attracting these animals into my life??
I am an empath who tends to feel my way through situations using intuition. I am a person of faith, who has felt the presence and the protection of God the Father. In fact, I attribute this relationship to the Father as the only reason I have come out relatively unscathed from these demonic animals (who commonly share a lack of faith and rejection of God). I felt pity for these people and took them in like strays only to be betrayed in the end. Just when I started to feel sorry for myself I remembered Judas betrayed Jesus, one of the twelve! One of the inner circle, who ingratiated himself into a seat of prestige and honor with the Lord, yet because of his greed and self-concern he betrayed innocent blood...
I am blessed to share a strange empathic connection to the Lord, which became known to me after my first narcissistic discard. In my despair and with true humility I knelt before God sincerely pleading with Him to save me. I felt like I was drowning. I opened the bible for the first time in years and searched for answers. I read strange words that jumped out at me for the first time...
I will paraphrase, but when I closed my eyes and opened the book after asking for help this is where my finger landed... "Would any of you fathers give your son a snake when he asks for a fish? Or would you give him a scorpion when he asks for an egg? As bad as you are, you know how to give good things to your children. How much more , then, will the Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" The words were strange and initially I did not feel much encouragement; however, that chapter of John begins on how to pray!
Next, I randomly remembered that Jesus said something about being rejected and that before they rejected you, remember that they had also rejected Me. I tried to find that scripture when I stumbled upon this chapter in John that discusses the Word of God being in existence before time and that nothing was made without the Word. The Word was in the world and yet the world did not recognize Him! And finally, that those that did recognize and receive Him were given the right to become children of God!!
I felt consoled that I was worthy, and that somehow the Lord was communicating to me through Words. More than that, I felt compelled to grow out my hair and slowly I began to conform to what others had called the image of Jesus! How bizarre, my faith journey should unfold after such a trauma and yet here I was communicating with the Lord in the mirror, a device typically used by narcissists. It became less about me and more about Him which brings me to my conclusion...
I had just finished remodeling and renting out my third house which brought my resident count up to twelve. I was uncovering the narcissist's mask when his final betrayal occurred (luckily I don't suffer from abandonment issues, Thanks Mom n' Dad!). We were in the midst of Lent where scriptures discussed Jesus' own betrayal by Judas (one of his 12 disciples) and it occurred to me that Judas too shared an unhealthy concern for money, survival, and had left the group before the humble "washing of the feet" (true humility is not afraid to kneel or sit before the Lord). A wolf in sheep's clothing!
Demons are everywhere out there looking to devour souls. They manifest in the forms of Mental illnesses, Addictions, and Disorders. I would not have made it on my own if it were not for the Good Lord's protection. Beware of them and seek to protect yourselves. It is not easy, but is most certainly safer under the visage of the Good Shepherd!
Thank you Father for guiding, protecting, and teaching me along this path!